"I Was Very Shocked, I Wanted It to Be Over": A Qualitative Exploration of Suicidal Ideation and Attempts among Women Living with HIV in Indonesia.

HIV diagnosis and poor HIV management have various detrimental impacts on the lives of people living with HIV (PLHIV). As a part of a large qualitative study investigating HIV risk factors and impacts, of which the topic of suicide is not a focus, this paper describes the factors contributing to suicidal ideation and attempts that arose naturally in the stories of women living with HIV (WLHIV; n = 52) in Yogyakarta and Belu districts, Indonesia. The participants were recruited using the snowball sampling technique. Guided by a qualitative data analysis framework, the data were thematically analysed. The findings were grouped into four main themes: (i) the women experienced immense psychological challenges due to the infection, spousal transmission, fear of mother-to-child transmission, and losing a child due to AIDS, which triggered suicidal ideation and attempts; (ii) the lack of awareness of HIV management strategies resulted in them feeling trapped and overwhelmed, and the associated negative thoughts and the anticipation and experience of HIV stigma influenced their thoughts of suicide; (iii) the lack of social support from family and friends during the early stages of HIV diagnosis, compounded with pre-existing financial difficulties, lack of income, unemployment, and feeling overburdened, also triggered the women's thoughts of suicide; and (iv) family breakdown following HIV diagnosis, concern about future relationships, and fear of being rejected or abandoned by their partner were also influencing factors for suicidal ideation and attempts among the women. The findings indicate the need for a nuanced approach to counselling within HIV care interventions for couples to support the acceptance of each other's HIV status whilst maintaining psychological wellbeing. Additionally, the findings indicate the importance of HIV education and awareness among community members for the de-stigmatisation of HIV and to increase the acceptance of PLHIV by their families and communities.